Today is our family Christmas celebration, and of course it would not be complete if my brother had not spouted some words of wisdom. He’s a regular Plato, Averroes and George Carlin rolled into one. I love it.
1. Brian Has just finished playing a Christmas song on his guitar.
Brian: “I just oozed class out of my butthole.”
Clearly, Brian is a master of irony.
2. My dad is watching a special on history channel about Jesus.
Brian: “hey, remember that time Luther nailed his 99 feces on that church door?”
Brian does not have a speech impediment, but rather a glimpse into history ordinary persons do not.
Over this Christmas season, I think we could all learn from my brother, a contemporary thinker.
First of all, let us consider the appearance of the bee. The bee is yellow and black, and we all know that shitty sports teams wear yellow and black. They sometimes are fuzzy, which means that they murder bears and split the fur amongst themselves, paint them with war colours and WEAR THE SKIN. (LIKE REAVERS, OKAY.)
Second of all, bees make honey. Honey is like crack, it does not spoil and has probably caused toothaches since humans existed. So, in essence, bees make a substance that appears to be sweet and delicious but is also evil. It also lasts forever through some sort of black magic.
Let us not forget that the bee fights with bears. Bears are noble creatures. Therefore, bees are evil.
Bees can live anywhere, including in the ground OR in someone’s stomach. If they can survive ANYWHERE they are zombies, meaning they are undead and have personally met satan OR they received powers from satan, probably in exchange for some honey.